Louisville KY – In 2008, Steve Zubriski had just given up on college at Indiana University.  He moved to the Clifton area of Louisville and immediately fell in love with the Kentucky Derby, and all of the festivities surrounding the big race.  Since then, Zubriski has “partied pretty hard” during Derby Week, with his friends here in Louisville as well as old friends that make the trip here every May.  But Zubriski, known to his friends as “Z Man”, promises that next year’s Derby is going to be a special one.

“I’m tired of wearing down as the week goes on”, said Zubriski.  “I mean, I love to party, but after a full week of not working and pretty much just drinking non-stop, even the Z Man gets worn out. But not this year”.

To enable him to drink more during Derby festivities, and for longer periods of time, Zubriski will begin a five-month long exercise designed to build his alcohol tolerance to new heights.  It starts with what seems a simple practice of drinking daily.

“I’m going to start month one with three beers per night, after work of course, and just build it from there.  You know, weekends will be normal Z Man type of stuff, but during the week I’m really gonna work on it.  Hopefully by month two, I’ll be up to a 6-pack per night, maybe eight or nine beers on ‘Duck Dynasty’ nights”.

Thanks to social media, news of Zubriski’s plan spread quickly to his friends.

“Not surprised at all, not one bit”, said Will Rodriguez, a college friend of Zubriski’s who makes the trip into Louisville for Derby every year from his home near Chicago.  “Z Man was always unpredictable, even in college. He was always the guy who would start something, you know?  Whether it was a pick-up basketball game with the boys, or a fist-fight with strangers in a bar, Z Man was always in the middle of it”.

While Zubriski’s friends are backing his plan, medical experts warn that consuming alcohol at high levels for several months in a row may be harmful.

“It’s no doubt a dangerous practice to consume so much alcohol”, commented UofL medical professor Sarah Teenland.  “I would be concerned about Mr. Zubriski’s medical health, not to mention that drinking that much alcohol impairs mental judgement in a dramatic way”.

Despite such warnings, Zubriski vows to stay on-task until that first Saturday in May.  “Screw (Teenland). She doesn’t know the Z Man, much less what I’m capable of.  My judgement has always been good, and it’s (going to continue) being good”.

Teenland, however, is not the only one with concerns surrounding Zubriski’s plan.  Steve’s supervisor at UPS, who wished to remain anonymous, told us that Zubriski has already asked for the entire Derby Week off from work.

“I guess that’s okay, he’ll have earned that time off”, said the supervisor.  “But my immediate concern is that he’s going to be coming into work on a daily basis after drinking several beers the night before.  I hope his production and performance don’t suffer, or he may not be employed here come Derby”.

When this reporter told Zubriski of his supervisor’s concerns, he did not seem too worried.

“Dude, I take boxes from one bin and then throw them into a different bin.  I could do that with one hand tied behind my back.  No, wait, I couldn’t (throw boxes) with one hand tied behind my back.  But, hold on. On Ambien.  Yeah, I could definitely do it on Ambien”.

Regardless of the medical, mental, and occupational risks involved with his plan, Zubriski is determined to take it all the way.

“Z Man will absolutely rule next year’s Derby, and when everybody else has had enough and is passed out, or arrested, or whatever, I’ll still be crushing beers on my deck. Bet on it”.

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You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it. – Art Buchwald

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