University of Louisville Study: Switch from Mountain Dew to Diet Mountain Dew Adds Three Weeks to Human Life Expectancy

A new study today released in the Louisville Medical Journal and Review may finally put an end to speculation that diet soda is actually worse for our health than regular soda.  The research was conducted over a two-month period at University of Louisville and included the controversial method of injecting lab mice with both regular and diet versions of the popular soft drink, Mountain Dew.

Dr. Steven Papa, who led the research, said injecting the mice was the only way to get complete and legitimate results.  “I mean, no mouse of sound mind would choose to drink either version of Mountain Dew.  We even tried salt licks, you know, to make (the mice) thirsty, but even then they wouldn’t go near (Mountain Dew).”

Regardless of methodology, there is no disputing the study’s findings, says Papa.  The study consisted of three groups of mice:  One given a small, daily injection of regular Mountain Dew, one given the same size injection of Diet Mountain Dew, and the last group receiving no injections of any kind. According to Papa, it didn’t take long for test subjects to start showing effects from “The Dew”.

“Within seconds, both test groups were acting erratically”, said Papa.  “The effects of the caffeine appeared similar on the both ‘regular’ and ‘diet’ mice, but the mice receiving the regular Mountain Dew soon began fighting, not only amongst themselves, but with both of the other groups.”  Papa said the test group receiving no injections were soon defenseless and had to be moved to another section of the lab.  “Those poor things didn’t stand a chance, the way the Dew-injected mice were coming after them, it was quite a scene, and quite frankly could have ended badly for the placebo group.”

After two weeks of injections, all three hundred of the test mice were dead. However, the researchers’ records show that the mice receiving the Diet Mountain Dew out-lived their sugar-filled counterparts by an average of 13 minutes.  Taking those results and multiplying by the normal life expectancy of a mouse, then multiplying by the difference in human and mouse life expectancies, Papa and his team of researchers finally had their results.

“After studying our subjects and conducting a mathematical analysis, it is with some level of confidence that my team has concluded that drinking Diet Mountain Dew as opposed to regular Mountain Dew will add approximately three weeks to the life expectancy of a human male”.  When asked what the results might be for a human female, Papa replied “No member of our research team has ever witnessed a fully developed, functioning human female consuming either version of Mountain Dew, so it seemed irrelevant”.

PepsiCo, who owns the Mountain Dew brand, called the study “ridiculous” and “Anti-sugar and anti-caffeine”.  Company spokesperson Tyler Branson spoke briefly to reporters outside of PepsiCo headquarters in Purchase, NY after the study was released.  “First of all, it’s debatable that scientific research coming out of the state of Kentucky is valid.  Regardless, I am here to tell you that PepsiCo believes with 100% certainty that all Mountain Dew drinkers, regardless of which flavor or variety they choose, will all die at the same rate, none faster, or slower, than the other”.

Satire, being levelled at all, is never resented for an offence by any. – Jonathan Swift
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