Louisville Metro Department of Corrections Considering Re-Brand to Kentuckiana Corrections

LMDCCiting poor public image and looking for a “fresh start”, Louisville Metro Corrections is considering re-branding itself to Kentuckiana Corrections, according to spokesperson Randy Watson.  He said the move was considered after a survey of the public, including former inmates, came back with negative results.

“There was some positive feedback, but overall the (survey results) were not very good,” said Watson.  “The general public, and our former inmates specifically, seem to have a negative view of our (jail) facility”.

Several suggestions were made, mostly by former inmates, on how to improve the jail, however none of those changes were realistic, according to Watson.  Suggestions included installing 4D televisions, allowing Uber Eats deliveries to inmates, larger cells with “at least” queen size mattresses, unlimited recreational time, and for massage chairs to be available in the common area of each jail pod.

“It appears that the things people don’t like about jail – cramped living conditions, poor food, and lack of luxury amenities – are all things we can’t change”, said Watson.  “So, we thought about painting the outside of the building, but turns out its mostly brick and windows.  We also considered having a ‘game night’ for the inmates, but quickly realized that the game pieces could be made into weapons”.

Out of ideas, LMDC hired a marketing firm to assist, and the idea for a possible re-branding came up almost immediately, and to positive responses from LMDC management.  “(Management) all loved the idea.  It’s catchier, it’s shorter, both words start with a hard “C” sound, and most importantly, ‘Kentuckiana Corrections’ has a homier, more welcoming feel to it.  ‘Louisville Metro Department of Corrections’ just sounds so official”.

Implementing the change is still up in the air, as the cost of re-branding is not in the current budget. Critics of the change say that money would be better used to hire more corrections officers.

“The current facility is grossly understaffed, creating tremendous problems,” said community activist Charles Grodin.  “Using any funds to change the name of the department instead of addressing the real problems is both fiscally and socially irresponsible”.

Despite the criticism, Watson says the possible change is on the table for 2019.  “The biggest thing is we need to use up all the letterhead, forms, office supplies, as well as staff shirts and badges branded with LMDC before possibly making a change,” he said.  “We are advising all staff to wash their uniforms, including administrative staff’s polo shirts, with harsh detergents so they will wear out faster.  If we have to order all new (supplies and uniforms) anyway, then making the change won’t impact the budget nearly as much”.

Louisville’s Problem that Doesn’t Seem to Be Going Away

SkylineLouisville boasts great local and college sports teams, a world-class downtown arena, a healthy economy, a re-vitalized downtown and waterfront, and arguably the best local meteorologists in the country.

However, Louisville, like so many other similarly sized areas across the country, continues to have a problem that just won’t seem to go away.

“I’ve lived in Louisville my whole life”, said Highland’s resident Anthony Hall.  “And, although it seems to be relatively under control right now, the issue continues to be a blemish and I think it keeps some (people) from moving to, or visiting, Louisville.  It’s really too bad, because from my perspective, the situation has improved, but I know not everyone feels that way”.

Statistics show that while the problem has not worsened in recent years, it also hasn’t shrunk at the rate that local lawmakers and police were hoping for when new measures went into effect in early 2017.

“We were very optimistic that the new policies and procedures would drastically reduce the number of incidents that we saw”, said police spokesperson Stacy Weber.  “And while we are seeing a slight (drop) in the number of incidents, in some cases the severity of the individual incidents is worse, which is troubling.  It seems like we’re just treading (water) when it comes to this problem”.

University of Louisville sociology professor Sidney Subban says that the most challenging part of solving a problem like this is determining its cause.  “It’s a very complex problem, one that effects everyone in a community, regardless of socio-economic standing, race, or religion.  The problem has roots not only in our city’s infrastructure, but there are also psychological and other intangible factors contributing.”

Subban also expressed concern that if the problem is not controlled soon, it could escalate.

“In addition to the difficulty of isolating the cause of the problem, there are also numerous factors that can cause it to escalate and become an even bigger problem, or lead to new problems, which is what (Louisville) could eventually experience”.

Weber vows that local law enforcement will continue to work with lawmakers until the problem is under control, and that it will also take heavy community involvement to rectify the situation.

“We’re going to work with not only Louisville Metro Government, but also smaller municipalities across Jefferson County, including but not limited to, Buechel, St Matthews, Fairdale, Jeffersontown, and the Highlands.  We’ll even work with agencies in Southern Indiana if we have to”.

Regardless of the problem, Hall vows to remain in Louisville.  “I mean, I love it here.  People are friendly, I’m usually within five miles or so of a Target, we have Uber, and there are even food trucks downtown now.  I think everything is going to work itself out”.

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Lake Forest Woman Forgets to Update Facebook Profile Picture to Derby Day Photo

Just over a week afDerby Hatter she attended the KY Derby, Sara Bergeron of Lake Forest made a “horrifying” discovery – that she had neglected to change her Facebook profile picture to a photo of herself at Churchill Downs on Derby Day.

“I got a push notification that my friend’s son Conner hit a double in his little league game, so I immediately logged in (to Facebook) to read all about it.”, said Bergeron.

“Of course, I shared the post, and when I looked on my own page, that’s when I realized that I hadn’t updated my profile picture.  It was still a photo of me from my friend’s sister’s baby shower last month, which was before I went on Atkins.  I mean, I look like a freaking pig.  I was horrified.”

Bergeron says she may still change her profile picture to a Derby Day shot, but she is unsure if too much time has passed.

“I mean, Derby was over a week ago and all my friends have already changed (their profile picture) to a Derby photo.  So, if I update my profile picture now, all my friends will talk about is how I updated mine after they did, that I’m just copying what they’ve already done.  Especially that Grace Chesterson, I mean I love her to death, but ever since she got a promotion at her dumb job, she can’t keep her fat mouth shut about anything”.

Local social media expert and consultant Andy Dunn says that while there are no written rules about when or how often to change a profile picture, the sooner you change it after a major event, like the KY Derby, the better.

“I advise all of my clients to update their profile no longer than two days after they attend any event or party.  It’s important to let your (social media) followers know that you are at every fabulous happening in town, especially if they were not invited or could not afford to attend”.

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Louisville’s Last “Mom and Pop” Immediate Care Center to Close Doors

B & K
Kelly (L) and Bob Perry

For the last 36 years, local residents looking for immediate medical care with a personal touch have been keeping “Bob and Kelly’s Immediate Care Center” busy.  But after over three decades of prosperity, “Bob and Kelly’s” will be closing its doors later this month.

“We just can’t compete with the ‘big box’ immediate care centers any more”, said owner Robert “Bob” Perry.  “I guess the writing was on the wall when those godd*** Norton (Immediate Care Centers) started popping up a few years back”.

Perry says the larger, corporately owned care centers are able to purchase medical supplies and equipment at a lower cost than he is, therefore offering lower cost medical care to patients and making it impossible for the independent immediate care centers to survive.

“Did you know that they can get flu shots for about 38 cents (per injection)?  Meanwhile, I can’t get (a flu shot) for less than 55 godd*** cents.  And their cost on (cotton) swabs and balls?   I don’t even want to talk about that”.

Frequent and loyal patients like Joe Greenly of Crescent Hill will miss “Bob and Kelly’s”.

“It’s a great experience”, said Greenly.  “(Bob and Kelly) know me by name, and they welcome me personally when I come in.  They know what my frequent maladies were, and sometimes would already have a prescription ready for me when I get there.  Most importantly, they just darn care about you.  Like when Kelly scrapes the fungus off my feet, she takes the same care she would with her own kin’s (feet).  Hell, the last time I had to go to one of them corporate (care centers), it seemed like (the doctor) wasn’t enjoying herself at all while scraping my feet, like she’d rather have been somewhere else.”

Long-time patient Sharon Hobbs also enjoyed the hometown feeling at “Bob and Kelly’s”.

“When I came in, Bob would stop treating a patient just to come over and shoot the flim-flam with me for a spell.  And Kelly would bake treats in the oven they had there.  She said (the oven) was to sterilize equipment, but heck, it got up to 428 degrees so she’d make treats for us patients in it.  It sure was nice to walk into an immediate care center that smelled like rhubarb pie instead of rubbing alcohol.”

Greenly added that Bob and Kelly would always try to lighten the mood with some humor.

“Kelly and me had this joke where (when) I walked in, she would say ‘How you doing Joe?’  Then we would look at each other for a few seconds and finally I would say, ‘Well, I must feel like a duck’s rear end, or I wouldn’t be here.’  We always got a laugh out of that”

Financial analyst Andrew Wellmaker says that the Perry’s having to close their doors is symbolic of a bigger issue, one that has been brewing for years.

“The trend, for several years, has been for large retailers to push the ‘Mom and Pop” businesses out, mostly due to volume discounts and overall convenience”, said Wellmaker.  “Today, smaller businesses must rely on personal service and attention to detail in order to demand a higher price from (customers).  Unfortunately for the immediate care industry, most customers simply want to get their treatment and get the hell out of there as quickly and as inexpensively as possible.”

“Bob and Kelly’s” first opened its doors in 1981.  The empty space is expected to be converted to a Blaze Pizza location in the next few months.

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Green Bay Packer Fans Take to Streets, Protest Loss to Tennessee Titans

protestAngry fans of the Green Bay Packers marched in several cities last night and into this morning in protest of their team’s loss to the Tennessee Titans on Sunday.  The largest protest took place in downtown Milwaukee, some one hundred and twenty miles south of the Packers home of Green Bay.

“We’re angry, of course”, said Packers fan and Milwaukee resident Chuck Bauer.  “But just as mad as we are at this terrible loss, us (Green Bay) fans are scared.  I mean, what kind of a world are we going to be living in if the Packers miss the playoffs, or God forbid, finish with a losing record?”

The Titans upset the Packers 47-25 Sunday in Nashville as Marcus Mariotta threw for four touchdowns and the Packers defense surrendered over 450 yards of total offense to the Titans.

“Unacceptable.  I just refuse to accept that loss”, said Green Bay fan Trisha Burch, who was marching in downtown Milwaukee.  “I mean, we never lose to Tennessee, and our defense is way better than how they played on Sunday. I’m not saying for certain that the game was rigged, but it’s definitely possible.”

Burch was one of several protesters who took to the streets of Milwaukee after the game was over, and was still marching into this morning.  Many held signs that read “Not our Packers”, “Not our Loss”, and “Make Green Bay Great Again”.

Asked what he hopes the protests to accomplish, Bauer said “We’ll (march) as long as we have to.  The NFL really needs to re-evaluate the Packers loss, and maybe they can let us play (Tennessee) again or something.  Actually, I really don’t know”.

Tennessee fans celebrated the historic upset win, especially in the team’s home town of Nashville, and were perplexed by the protests.

Titans fan Steve Lockwood was at the game on Sunday and said, “Look, we won fair and square.  If (Packers fans) want to blame anyone, they should be blaming the media.  I mean, nobody gave the Titans a chance to win this game, not Fox, not ESPN, nobody.  I think Green Bay fans and players assumed they were going to win, and then didn’t really show up at game time.”

Burch, for one, vows to continue her protest long into the week.

“I’ll probably keep marching up and down the street, holding my sign and yelling until we get justice”, said Burch.  “Or at least until Tuesday night.  I have to work on Wednesday morning, and then my brother is coming into town, so I’m going to be tied up through the weekend.  But until Tuesday night, I’m so passionate about getting justice for the Packers”.

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Highly Anticipated Mall St Matthews vs. Oxmoor Center Softball Game to be Played Wednesday

 Located less than half a mile apart, and separated by only the Watterson Expressway and a car dealership, Mall St Matthews and Oxmoor Center have always had a rivalry that is uncommon amongst the nation’s shopping malls.

“I guess in most cities, most (malls) don’t really give a crap about what the other malls are doing” said Sara Shoemaker, who works at Pac-Sun in Mall St Matthews.  “But I can tell you that everyone that works here definitely wants to do better (than Oxmoor Center) and would never go there to shop or hang out, unless we need something from the Apple Store.”

The rivalry will come to a head on Wednesday, when the respective mall’s softball teams will battle it out for their league championship.  A win comes with the championship trophy, but more importantly, bragging rights until next season.

“Dude, I’m totally jacked”, said Dick’s Sporting Goods employee Nick Gerch.  “Oxmoor Center is way better than Mall St Matthews. I mean, they don’t even have a sporting goods store, the security guards are pricks, and the food court sucks”.

Reminded that Oxmoor Center has no food court at all, Gerch responded, “I’d rather have no food court than have to choose between two Chinese restaurants, a Subway, and some Pita place. Total crap, man”.

While bets on recreational softball games are not legal, one local bookmaker, who asked to remain anonymous, said he would install Mall St Matthews as a one-run favorite.

“Dude, tell me who that bookie is and I’ll bet a paycheck on (Oxmoor Center).  We went 10-1 this season and the only reason we lost that game is because that chick from Banana Republic totally botched an easy catch.  And Mall St Matthews lost to the Verizon store in Clarksville by five runs, and (Verizon) totally sucks, man.  Verizon couldn’t even beat Hubbards Lane Kroger, and (Hubbards Lane Kroger) lost to CarMax on Hurstbourne Lane by six runs, if you can believe that”, said Gerch.

Jesse Hickman, who is the league commissioner and works at the Art of Shaving in Mall St Matthews, sees things differently.

“I’m not surprised that Oxmoor Center thinks they’re going to win. Just because they have a sporting goods store doesn’t mean their whole softball team is good at sports.  I mean, look at some of those guys that work at Von Maur.  They can barely even run from home plate to first base without falling down, man. I think we win easily, probably by five or six runs”, said Hickman.

Regardless of Hickman’s prediction, Gerch remains confident heading into Wednesday’s game.

“Of course we’re going to win. I mean, everyone on our team loves softball, even the dudes from the Apple Store and Von Maur.  And me?  I love softball so much, that if Dick’s had a softball section, I would totally work there”, said Gerch.

Reminded that Dick’s does indeed have a softball section, Gerch replied, “Yeah, but that’s like, mostly chick softball stuff.  I meant if we had a softball section with more guy stuff in it, I would work there”.

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“And so it goes” – Kurt Vonnegut

Lake Forest Woman Overreacts to Olympic Closing Ceremony

RioThe Summer Olympics concluded Sunday night with the Closing Ceremony taking place at Maracana Stadium in Rio De Janeiro.  Despite low television ratings (down 44% from the Closing Ceremony from London in 2012), one local woman watched intently and enthusiastically.

Susan Holt of Lake Forest took to social media following the Closing Ceremony of the summer Olympics in Rio, leaving her family and some of her friends believing that she overreacted.

Holt posted to Facebook within minutes of the end of the NBC telecast: “OMG, that closing ceremony was life-changing!  Two words – glorious and devine!  The colors, the pageantry, the dancing, the music, the athletes that worked so hard to be there…I’ll never take anything for granted again!  Even some of the eastern European athletes were smiling!  #lifechanging #closingceremony #rioolympics #gloriousanddevine #thecolorsthepageantrythemusictheathletesthatworkedsohardtobethere.”

Holt’s children immediately asked her to delete or edit the post, but she refused and had already posted a similar message to Instagram, along with a selfie of herself holding a small Olympic flag.

“I am not changing or deleting any (social media posts)”, said Holt in a phone interview.  “My children can roll their eyes and snicker at me all they like.  My mind just soared after watching that ceremony!  It was life-affirming, heart-warming, uplifting, and even managed some levity with that Mario Brothers guy doing that thing.  As a matter of fact, it was so inspiring that I plan on going to the gym tomorrow”.

Holt’s reaction took some of her friends by surprise, who called her “level-headed most of the time” and “relatively normal”.

Not everyone was surprised by Holt’s reaction however, including her husband Bill.

“She overreacts to just about everything”, said Bill.  “Like, at my nephew’s wedding last year?  I told her I didn’t like the (bride’s) dress.  You’d have thought I called (the bride) a hooker or something the way Susan reacted.  And just last week, I suggested we go out to eat instead of her making dinner, which of course somehow meant that I hate her cooking.  I could go on, but I won’t because she’ll be reading this article, and of course, overreacting to it”.


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“And so it goes” – Kurt Vonnegut

“Christmas In July” Sales Fail to Stimulate Local Economy

CIJ2A report released today by Greater Louisville Incorporated (GLI) shows that the area’s annual “Christmas in July” sales failed to significantly increase local economic growth. This marks the third consecutive year that similar numbers have been reported, a disappointment for GLI spokesperson Abby Vonnegut.

“It is unfortunate that Christmas in July fell short of (economic) forecasts again this year.  (GLI) really thought with increased participation from local merchants that we would see significant growth, especially with the Southeast Mattress Retailers Association committing all of their members to Christmas in July incentives and sales”, said Vonnegut.  “We really thought those mattresses and bedding products were going to move the needle (this year),” Vonnegut said.

Billy Pilgrim, a District Manager for Mattress Depot, says the hot weather may have kept some buyers indoors this July, and admits that the promotion offered at his stores may not have resonated with consumers.

“We did a buy three, get one 50% off mattress sale, which we thought was a great ‘Christmas in July’ promotion.  Well, apparently not too many people need to buy four (mattresses) at the same time,” said Pilgrim.

Despite the gloominess of the report, some local businesses reported positive results from their Christmas in July sales.

“Hell yeah, it was a success”, said sales manager Dwayne Hoover of Hyundai on Hurstbourne.  “I moved an ’09 Elantra that’s been sitting on our lot since January.  Our (Christmas in July) offer of a two-night stay at that French Lick resort place didn’t hurt in me (selling) that particular vehicle.”

Hoover also credits the trend of hiring an employee to stand out by the street and wave signs to attract potential customers.

“We had some kid out there, waving some sign about a Christmas in July blowout sale.  Had him dressed in a Santa outfit and everything, dancing around like a crazy person.  Now, if that doesn’t make you want to come visit a car lot and buy a pre-owned Hyundai and an unbeatable price, I don’t know what will”.

Economist and UofL professor Eliot Rosewater says that seasonal and so-called “gimmick” sales promotions are not as popular today as they were in the past.

“Consumers today can find sale prices and special promotions on their laptops, tablets, or smart phones in a matter of seconds.  Perceived or real, (consumers) believe that these online sales are just as attractive as the ‘gimmick’ sales put on by traditional retailers, such as the recent ‘Christmas in July’ offers, so they are less likely to (visit) brick and mortar retailers during such sale events,” Rosewater said.

Viable or not, Hoover says that his dealership will continue with seasonal sales promotions, and that he looks forward to next year’s “Christmas in July”.

“Look, two-thirds of our sales staff made quota in July.  I only had to fire four people last month.  That hasn’t happened since our ‘Presidents Day Blowout’ in February”.

Hoover said that Hyundai on Hurstbourne is going to add additional seasonal and holiday sales later this year, including a new “Independence Day in November” promotion.

“We think ‘Independence Day in November’ could be huge.  That kid will be out near the street, dressed like Abe Lincoln, waiving that damn (sign) again.  We’ll be offering free fireworks if you test drive a new Hyundai.  And if you buy any vehicle on our lot, you’ll have the choice of a new Weber grill or an unprecedented finance offer – Buy during ‘Independence Day in November’, and make no payments until next year’s ‘Christmas in July’.  I don’t see anyone passing that deal up”.


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“I’ll publish , right or wrong: Fools are my theme, let satire be my song” – Rochdale, 1809



BW3 Server to Stop Addressing Male Customers as “Boss”

WingsChances are, if you’ve dined out in the Louisville area in the past ten years, Billy Rightman has been your server at least once.  Rightman has worked for six area restaurants in the past decade, and currently works as a server at the St Matthews BW3.

He started his career at the Olive Garden on Hurstbourne Lane, made a “brief” stop at O’Charley’s in the DuPont area, and worked at a few more area restaurants that he’d “rather not talk about” before landing at BW3 about 10 months ago.

Despite working at several establishments over the last ten years, Rightman has been consistent in one area of his work.  Since his early days at the Olive Garden, he has addressed his male customers as “Boss”.

“You know, like when I first go to the table, I’ll ask the ladies what they would like to drink, and then when I get to a guy, I’ll say ‘How about you, boss, what would you like to drink?’  And I always ask the guy if he wants to order appetizers.  I’ve found that dudes are much more likely to order (appetizers) than chicks.”

Rightman said it all started during his second month at the Olive Garden, some ten years ago, with inspiration provided by one of his favorite musicians.

“I was working a lunch shift, which always sucked.  I had some Springsteen song stuck in my head, so the next table I had, I called the dude ‘Boss’. He didn’t really react, but I thought it sounded cool.  So, starting then, I would say stuff like ‘How about some more breadsticks, Boss?, or ‘How’s that lasagna treating you, Boss?’  Nobody complained, so I stuck with it.  I think being called ‘Boss’ makes guys feel cool, you know, like more powerful or something, especially in front of chicks.”

After much consideration, however, Rightman tells this reporter that he has decided to stop referring to male customers as “Boss”, at least for two months.

“I read this article on Buzzfeed that said you shouldn’t get stuck in the same routine at work.  That really got me thinking about how I could improve as a server, you know, change things up.  So as hard as it’s going to be, I’m not gonna call dudes ‘Boss’ anymore.  And, I’m going to start bringing napkins to every table, even if (customers) don’t ask for them.”

Rightman says that he plans on analyzing his performance and income after the two months, and at that time will determine how to address male customers going forward.

“With the whole ‘Boss’ approach, I average 19% tips.  After two months of this new approach, if my tip average is higher, then I’m sticking with it.  I mean, even if it goes to 21%, that’s like an extra hundred bucks every few months, which will make it much easier for me to get the new Call of Duty.  But trust me, if it drops at all, I’ll be going right back (to calling male customers ‘Boss’).”

Regardless of how his new approach works out, Rightman says one change to his serving technique is going to be permanent.

“No matter what, I’m going to bring napkins to every table without (customers) asking for them. So far, everyone seems to appreciate that.”


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“I’ll publish , right or wrong: Fools are my theme, let satire be my song” – Rochdale, 1809

J-Town Man Deletes “Words with Friends” app After 0-1 Start

WWFLike most smart phone owners, Tom Hamilton uses his device for much more than calling and texting his friends.  Downloading and playing games on his phone is as much a part of his day as talking, typing or surfing the web.  Hamilton lists Minecraft, Tank Hero, and NBA 2K16 among his favorites, but he says he is always willing to try a new game, specifically if there is a free version available.

“I mean, I’ll pay for a game, but it has to be, like, Minecraft quality, you know? Like, super cool.  Otherwise, I’ll keep my $1.99, thank you very much”, said Hamilton.

So when he noticed his co-workers at McCallister’s Deli playing Words with Friends, he thought he would give it a try.

“Every time (co-workers) take a smoke break, I notice that they’re playing this scrabble-type game on their phones.  So I asked Sarah, who is this super-cute chick that works the counter, about it.  She was like ‘blah blah blah, Words with Friends, blah blah blah, we should play a game, blah blah blah’.  So I decided to download it.”

After getting the free version and deciding on screen name “HamDawg_69”, Hamilton started a game with his co-worker Sarah, aka “SarahFlower”.

Hamilton says at first, the game was “sort of” fun, but as he quickly fell behind to Sarah, he started to become disillusioned.

“I mean, she got 31 points with the word ‘Qi’.  What does that even mean, dude?  I’m going to ask (Sarah) to use that word in a sentence next time I see her.  We’ll see how smart Little Miss Cashier is then.”

After battling back, Hamilton says the final straw was when he was ready to use all of his remaining letters to win the game, but Words with Friends rejected his play.  After resigning and losing the game to SarahFlower, Hamilton deleted the app from his phone.

“Since when is ‘Tracfone’ not a word?  Here, I’ll use it in a sentence.  ‘I got my Tracfone at WalMart’.  I mean, case closed.  (Words with Friends) is so dumb, man.  Next thing you know, it’ll be telling me that WalMart isn’t a real word.”


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“I’ll publish , right or wrong: Fools are my theme, let satire be my song” – Rochdale, 1809