Area News Outlets Fail to Find Local Connection to Bruce Jenner

JennerAll four local television news outlets have failed to find a Louisville connection to former Olympian and current celebrity Bruce Jenner.  Jenner, the former gold-medal decathlete, has made headlines lately as he begins his transformation from man to woman through several operations and hormone treatments.  His interview with Diane Sawyer last week generated near-record ratings, with over 14 million viewers tuning in to the ABC special.

WHAS news director Hank Goodman said that finding a local connection to national news is an important part of his channel’s strategy.  “Nothing brings in viewers like a local tie-in (to a national story).  For example, when those storms hit the east coast really hard, we found a couple from Jeffersonville that was stuck in the Boston airport overnight, and we got them to call in to our live broadcast.  What an exciting night that was for me as a journalist and a news director.  Making our viewers feel that Kentuckiana was part of a story that took place 800 miles away, that’s what local news is all about”.

Goodman said he was especially disappointed as the Jenner ABC special was the “lead-in” for the WHAS News at 11 on Friday night.  “We really could have cashed in with some great ratings and advertising revenue, but we just couldn’t find that local tie-in.  Believe me, we exhausted all of our resources looking.  We thought we hit the jackpot when a guy from Mount Washington called us saying he went to summer camp with (Jenner) as a teenager in Tennessee.  We looked into it, and it turns out Bruce Jenner never went to summer camp in Tennessee.  That was a punch in the stomach for our entire news team”.

Other local news outlets declined to comment for this story, but a reporter for WLKY, who wished to remain anonymous, told this reporter that finding local tie-ins is a big part of the station’s strategy.

“Oh my God, like every meeting we have (local tie-ins) come up”, said the reporter. “Just last week some dog in Boston barfed up a leather watch strap, and it turns out it had three whole watches in its stomach.  So, the rest of my day I was researching and driving all over Louisville and Southern Indiana (the reporter told me she refuses to use the term ‘Kentuckiana’, because it’s ‘so stupid’) looking for anyone who owned a dog that had ever swallowed a watch.  I ended up blowing it off and going to a matinee of ‘Ex Machina’, which is really good by the way”.

Despite the recent disappointment, Goodman says that local tie-ins will remain an important part of WHAS strategy.  “You bet we’ll continue with that approach. Like, right now, I guess there’s something going on with Hillary Clinton and emails being hacked or something?  I’ve got my best young reporter on the hunt for anyone local who knows Hillary Clinton and / or has had their email hacked”.

“I’ll publish , right or wrong: Fools are my theme, let satire be my song” – Rochdale, 1809

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Area Day Care Center to Close Controversial Drive-Thru Service

A client hands his infant over to a SunnyTimes employee at the controversial drive-thru
A client hands his infant over to a SunnyTimes employee at the controversial drive-thru

Five months after opening at its east end location, SunnyTimes Day Care will no longer offer customers a drive-thru window to drop off and pick up their children.  William Brown, SunnyTime’s attorney, said that although many clients enjoyed the service, the facility’s insurance carrier threatened to drop SunnyTime’s coverage unless the drive-thru window was shut down immediately.

“I’m disappointed”, said SunnyTimes client Marjorie Bennett.  “It was a great to be able to drop your child off and pick them up without getting out of the car.  Especially in the winter when it’s so cold outside.  Plus, with the drive-thru I didn’t have to go inside and talk to the people that work there.  I never really enjoyed that”.

Due to the size of the drive-thru window, the service was only offered until children could walk unassisted.  “For a lot of reasons, I’m looking forward to when my child can walk”, said a SunnyTimes client who wished to remain anonymous.  “But I was kind of hoping that it didn’t happen until it was a little warmer outside.  Well, I guess that doesn’t matter now that their (closing the drive thru)”.

Brown said that despite some members of the community expressing concern about the safety of the drive-thru service, no children were injured or harmed in any way during its use.

“No child was ever (injured), at least not physically” said Brown.  “It was a simple transaction, where the client would hand their child over to a trusted SunnyTimes employee, who would in return give the client a numbered ticket.  For pick up, the client would simply give the ticket to the drive-thru employee, and in turn would be handed their child back.  Kind of like a coat check, only for infants”.

Despite closing its drive-thru, SunnyTimes will remain open and hopes to add another east end location before the end of the year.  And, according to Brown, the company will continue to try new ideas to “innovate the child care industry”.

“Lots of (ideas) are being discussed, and while I can’t give details, let’s just say that the way your child is fed at a day care center may never be the same again”.

I’ll publish, right or wrong: Fools are my theme, let satire be my song. – Rochdale: 1809
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Highlands Man Unsure What to Do With Drake’s Gift Card

Highlands resident Dylan Rome
Highlands resident Dylan Rome

By his own account, Highlands resident Dylan Rome’s Christmas was “all good”, but he is not sure what to do with a $25 Drake’s gift card he received as a gift from his uncle.

When Rome at first saw a small envelope with his name on it under the Christmas tree at his parent’s house, he was excited.  “I mean, I was pretty sure it was a gift card. But, I really thought it would be to somewhere like WHY Louisville, Monkey Wrench, El Camino, or at the very least Heine Brothers”.

Instead, Rome received a $25 gift card to Drake’s, the popular bar and restaurant with locations in St Matthews and The Summit. The gift was from an uncle that Rome “rarely” sees or talks with.

“He’s my mom’s brother, lives in Prospect or something like that.  I haven’t seen him in a year or so, and he obviously knows nothing about me or what I’m all about”, said Rome.  “I’m about buying and eating local, and I’m about cool places.  I’m not about Drake’s.  I mean, what am I gonna do, go there for ‘Happy Hour’ on a Friday and drink Bud Lights with some guys that live in Lake Forest?  I don’t think so, man”.

Now Rome must decide what to do with the card.  He said he considered giving it to another family member that might enjoy it, but then realized that news could get back to his uncle.  In a desperate move, Rome called some of his favorite Highlands shops and restaurants, hoping they would honor the card.

“I saw some oil change place once that said they would honor competitor’s coupons, so I gave it a shot”, said Rome.  “No luck, dude”.

Selling the gift card online was an option, until Rome’s internet service was shut off last week.  “Goddamn Time Warner, man.  Can’t give me another couple weeks to pay the bill?  Whatever.”

At this point, the gift card sits unused in a drawer in Rome’s apartment, and he is not sure when, if ever, it will be used.  “I don’t know, maybe I’ll go (to Drake’s) and sell it to some stiff who’s walking in.  You know, sell him a $25 gift card for $20 cash or something like that.  (Then) I could head straight to Monkey Wrench with that money and have a drink and an appetizer.  That would definitely be cooler than going to Drake’s.  Way cooler”.

“I’ll publish , right or wrong: Fools are my theme, let satire be my song” – Rochdale, 1809
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Jefferson County Driver’s License Road Test Adds Driving from Shelbyville Road Plaza to Oxmoor Center and Back

The one-mile stretch of Shelbyville Road, now known as "Zone 6"
The one-mile stretch of Shelbyville Road, now known as “Zone 6”

Area teenagers hoping for a low-stress driver’s license exam may be in for an unpleasant surprise if they draw “Zone 6” as their driving portion of the test.  Zone 6 is a new addition to the existing driving exam zones, and it involves driving from the parking lot of Shelbyville Road Plaza, down Shelbyville Road to the Oxmoor Center parking lot, and back.

The road test is administered by the Kentucky State Police, and department spokesperson Adam Eleson says that the KSP is confident that Zone 6 will be the most challenging in the county.

“There’s no doubt that (Zone 6) is difficult.  Hell, just getting out of (Shelbyville Road Plaza) parking lot unscathed is tough.  And then, well, anyone who has driven that stretch of Shelbyville Road knows that it is very challenging, not only from a driving perspective, but also mentally.  If an applicant can navigate that stretch safely, and not lose his or her mind, they absolutely deserve to get their license”.

So difficult is Zone 6, that KSP is waiving the written portion of the driver’s license exam for those who successfully finish it.

“We figure if a kid makes it through Zone 6  successfully, there’s no reason for a written test”, said Eleson.  “We know the kid is a good, if not great, driver at that point”.

Passing the road test not only requires safe driving, but also maintaining a calm mental state during the road test.  Official KSP documents obtained by The Louisville Press state:

“In order to pass the road test, drivers must not be involved, directly or indirectly, in a moving violation or accident of any kind.  Drivers must also keep calm and not show signs of ‘road rage’ for the duration of the road test”

While these requirements apply to all test zones in Jefferson County, Eleson says the likelihood of road rage will “at least triple” for drivers taking the Zone 6 test.

“I’m a proud member of the KSP and a driver for over twenty years, and I almost freaking lost it trying to change lanes in front of Mall St. Matthews just the other day.  So I’m pretty sure a novice driver is going to have trouble staying calm in Zone 6”.

Before making the announcement of the new license exam zone, KSP tested Zone 6 by having twelve driver’s license applicants attempt to pass.

“Seven drivers passed the exam”, said Eleson. “Of the five that failed, one was involved in a minor accident, three failed due to road rage, and one got out of the car at the Oxmoor Center parking lot and ran crying into Von Maur.  We hope that young man is okay”.

I’ll publish, right or wrong: Fools are my theme, let satire be my song. – Rochdale: 1809
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Poor Turnout for Free Depression Screening at Mall St. Matthews Blamed on Cloudy Weather, Depressed Target Audience

Cloudy skies may have kept the depressed at home

Organizers of last weekend’s free depression screening at Mall St. Matthews were anticipating a large turnout.  Instead, medical health professionals hoping to help hundreds plagued with the crippling disorder only talked with about a dozen visitors.

The low turnout was especially disappointing, according to even organizer Sandy Wright, because she was sure to secure a kiosk in a high-traffic area of the mall.  The former tenant was popular hair-extension merchant, with a locale just outside of the entrance to the popular Wet Seal clothing store.

“I know that ‘Hair X-Tenze’ moved a lot of merchandise”, said Wright. “Once they sold out of (extensions) and closed up shop, I jumped on the chance to get this spot.”

Dr. Peter Dunn, who was on-site to conduct the screenings, said cloudy and cool weather conditions may have contributed to the poor turnout. 

“People that suffer from depression often have feelings of worthlessness and guilt.  Not to mention physical symptoms of fatigue.  A sky full of clouds, with no sunshine in sight, may make those symptoms more intense, therefore lowering their motivation to come to a shopping mall for mental help”, said Dunn.

Wright was confident that a Chick-Fil-A sandwich giveaway would increase traffic to the kiosk, but after analyzing the weekend, she said that strategy may have back-fired.

“We may have made a mistake by offering a one-in-three chance at a complimentary Chik-Fil-A sandwich”, said Wright. “One of the winners was a teenager, and I saw her go directly from our kiosk to Chik-Fil-A, meeting up with some friends along the way, and I could swear they were laughing. Laughing!  Imagine that.  Not to mention that depression sufferers often suffer from a lack of appetite.  So, you tell me why anyone suffering with this horrible disorder would go directly from our kiosk to claim a free chicken sandwich while laughing.  It just doesn’t make sense.  It was very disappointing to see that that young lady wasn’t depressed at all”.

Dunn said that he plans another screening in the spring, with a different approach. 

“We may re-think our next free mall screening to address a disorder where sufferers are more likely to come out”, said Dunn.  “Like, maybe narcissism”.

You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it. – Art Buchwald
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University of Louisville Study: Switch from Mountain Dew to Diet Mountain Dew Adds Three Weeks to Human Life Expectancy

A new study today released in the Louisville Medical Journal and Review may finally put an end to speculation that diet soda is actually worse for our health than regular soda.  The research was conducted over a two-month period at University of Louisville and included the controversial method of injecting lab mice with both regular and diet versions of the popular soft drink, Mountain Dew.

Dr. Steven Papa, who led the research, said injecting the mice was the only way to get complete and legitimate results.  “I mean, no mouse of sound mind would choose to drink either version of Mountain Dew.  We even tried salt licks, you know, to make (the mice) thirsty, but even then they wouldn’t go near (Mountain Dew).”

Regardless of methodology, there is no disputing the study’s findings, says Papa.  The study consisted of three groups of mice:  One given a small, daily injection of regular Mountain Dew, one given the same size injection of Diet Mountain Dew, and the last group receiving no injections of any kind. According to Papa, it didn’t take long for test subjects to start showing effects from “The Dew”.

“Within seconds, both test groups were acting erratically”, said Papa.  “The effects of the caffeine appeared similar on the both ‘regular’ and ‘diet’ mice, but the mice receiving the regular Mountain Dew soon began fighting, not only amongst themselves, but with both of the other groups.”  Papa said the test group receiving no injections were soon defenseless and had to be moved to another section of the lab.  “Those poor things didn’t stand a chance, the way the Dew-injected mice were coming after them, it was quite a scene, and quite frankly could have ended badly for the placebo group.”

After two weeks of injections, all three hundred of the test mice were dead. However, the researchers’ records show that the mice receiving the Diet Mountain Dew out-lived their sugar-filled counterparts by an average of 13 minutes.  Taking those results and multiplying by the normal life expectancy of a mouse, then multiplying by the difference in human and mouse life expectancies, Papa and his team of researchers finally had their results.

“After studying our subjects and conducting a mathematical analysis, it is with some level of confidence that my team has concluded that drinking Diet Mountain Dew as opposed to regular Mountain Dew will add approximately three weeks to the life expectancy of a human male”.  When asked what the results might be for a human female, Papa replied “No member of our research team has ever witnessed a fully developed, functioning human female consuming either version of Mountain Dew, so it seemed irrelevant”.

PepsiCo, who owns the Mountain Dew brand, called the study “ridiculous” and “Anti-sugar and anti-caffeine”.  Company spokesperson Tyler Branson spoke briefly to reporters outside of PepsiCo headquarters in Purchase, NY after the study was released.  “First of all, it’s debatable that scientific research coming out of the state of Kentucky is valid.  Regardless, I am here to tell you that PepsiCo believes with 100% certainty that all Mountain Dew drinkers, regardless of which flavor or variety they choose, will all die at the same rate, none faster, or slower, than the other”.

Satire, being levelled at all, is never resented for an offence by any. – Jonathan Swift
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Clifton Man Begins Building Alcohol Tolerance for Next Year’s Kentucky Derby

Louisville KY – In 2008, Steve Zubriski had just given up on college at Indiana University.  He moved to the Clifton area of Louisville and immediately fell in love with the Kentucky Derby, and all of the festivities surrounding the big race.  Since then, Zubriski has “partied pretty hard” during Derby Week, with his friends here in Louisville as well as old friends that make the trip here every May.  But Zubriski, known to his friends as “Z Man”, promises that next year’s Derby is going to be a special one.

“I’m tired of wearing down as the week goes on”, said Zubriski.  “I mean, I love to party, but after a full week of not working and pretty much just drinking non-stop, even the Z Man gets worn out. But not this year”.

To enable him to drink more during Derby festivities, and for longer periods of time, Zubriski will begin a five-month long exercise designed to build his alcohol tolerance to new heights.  It starts with what seems a simple practice of drinking daily.

“I’m going to start month one with three beers per night, after work of course, and just build it from there.  You know, weekends will be normal Z Man type of stuff, but during the week I’m really gonna work on it.  Hopefully by month two, I’ll be up to a 6-pack per night, maybe eight or nine beers on ‘Duck Dynasty’ nights”.

Thanks to social media, news of Zubriski’s plan spread quickly to his friends.

“Not surprised at all, not one bit”, said Will Rodriguez, a college friend of Zubriski’s who makes the trip into Louisville for Derby every year from his home near Chicago.  “Z Man was always unpredictable, even in college. He was always the guy who would start something, you know?  Whether it was a pick-up basketball game with the boys, or a fist-fight with strangers in a bar, Z Man was always in the middle of it”.

While Zubriski’s friends are backing his plan, medical experts warn that consuming alcohol at high levels for several months in a row may be harmful.

“It’s no doubt a dangerous practice to consume so much alcohol”, commented UofL medical professor Sarah Teenland.  “I would be concerned about Mr. Zubriski’s medical health, not to mention that drinking that much alcohol impairs mental judgement in a dramatic way”.

Despite such warnings, Zubriski vows to stay on-task until that first Saturday in May.  “Screw (Teenland). She doesn’t know the Z Man, much less what I’m capable of.  My judgement has always been good, and it’s (going to continue) being good”.

Teenland, however, is not the only one with concerns surrounding Zubriski’s plan.  Steve’s supervisor at UPS, who wished to remain anonymous, told us that Zubriski has already asked for the entire Derby Week off from work.

“I guess that’s okay, he’ll have earned that time off”, said the supervisor.  “But my immediate concern is that he’s going to be coming into work on a daily basis after drinking several beers the night before.  I hope his production and performance don’t suffer, or he may not be employed here come Derby”.

When this reporter told Zubriski of his supervisor’s concerns, he did not seem too worried.

“Dude, I take boxes from one bin and then throw them into a different bin.  I could do that with one hand tied behind my back.  No, wait, I couldn’t (throw boxes) with one hand tied behind my back.  But, hold on. On Ambien.  Yeah, I could definitely do it on Ambien”.

Regardless of the medical, mental, and occupational risks involved with his plan, Zubriski is determined to take it all the way.

“Z Man will absolutely rule next year’s Derby, and when everybody else has had enough and is passed out, or arrested, or whatever, I’ll still be crushing beers on my deck. Bet on it”.

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You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it. – Art Buchwald


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